Friday, October 28, 2016

Happy Children make a Happy Home..

I have spoken before how important it is for YOU to be happy with yourself as a single parent and it is important BUT it also is very important for your children to be happy with the situation at hand.

There are some moms that like to ACT or believe that they are such great moms.  They tend to be sure to travel with the kids, go to church every Sunday and make the appearance, yet as soon as they walk out of church they are the ones who are lying, trying to keep the children away from the father and bad mouthing him to whom ever they can.  They complain how they have no money yet are always going out.  They complain how the man never gives enough money yet do not believe that the father truly lost his job and is trying his best to find some work.  Now I know there are some dads, as well as moms, that are not the best out there so I am fully aware as each situation can be different.  Now I also have seen moms crying misery to the world so everyone hates the ex and is happy that the father does not see the children because she continues to make life difficult.  That is because she is miserable within herself probably.   This is the same type of mom who tells her children that there is not enough money to continue to participate in sports because there is not enough money for the gas or for the sport but then turns around and is traveling somewhere and always out.  These are the things that I do not get.  If one does not have the money to take the children to an activity that they enjoy and does not have the money for the gas, as they claim, then how can you have the money to travel and be going out.  What kind of example are you setting for the children on finances too.  If you claim there is no money then explain it to them as to why you are having to make certain financial cuts but also DEMONSTRATE with your actions the same thing.  And STOP bad mouthing the other parent.  I have NEVER blamed my ex for me not being able to travel with my children, I have NEVER blamed my ex because of the hard times that I have gone thru.  He too has a right to have a life and live his life just as you have yours.  It's time to just MOVE ON and be fair...

As a mother, you make sacrifices.  You protect your children and there hearts so they get less affected by the divorce situation.  It is bad enough that they do not live with both of the parents but sometimes can also be a blessing as the children no longer have to listen to the constant arguing and deal with the lack of love in the home.   I believe, and this is just my opinion and what I have done, that a good mother does not want there children to suffer any more.  She will not bad mouth the father to her children.  She will not mislead them and try to keep the children away from the father, if he is a good father.  I know there are some cases that one of the parents can have a drug or alcohol issue, an abuse issue and other issues but I am talking about two parents that are just good people.
I guess the reason why I am talking about this is because I have good friends who are great fathers and the women make there lives hell and I have seen how the daughters or sons suffer.  I have also seen the opposite.  All I think is that one must truly try there best to not keep the kids from either of the parents, being that its a healthy environment & situation because all that one is doing is hurting the children in the end.  I personally believe being a good parent means thinking of your childs happiness.  Now don't get me wrong, I too have made mistakes.  I, at times, reacted out of anger but have learned A LOT and I am writing this because I am hoping that I can open the eyes to someone out there that might be going thru something that will consider making a change for the better of everyone involved.

So next time you are angry at your ex, my advice is just keep it to yourself.  Don't bad mouth the ex to the children and STOP blaming everything on the ex because YOU are responsible for your actions and it is up to YOU to make a change or create a positive environment.  Let go of your anger because it is damaging YOU as well as your children but mainly YOU. Plus on the divorce papers it also mentions how one is not to bad mouth the other party.  STOP listening to everyone around you too that is only giving you negative advice.  If the children are taken into consideration, everyone would be sure to advise the party that the children need to spend some quality time with the other parent PLUS it can give you a break too.  Take that time to relax or spend some time with friends or your boyfriend or girlfriend.  Hope this helps someone out.  And also remember, all this negativity and anger that one can have inside, children know, and that can also make them angry towards you and not only affect the home environment but there grades and temper too.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Don't Lose YOU after you divorce!

It is bad enough that "WE", as mothers, tend to very easily forget about ourselves.  To not take care of ourselves, our health, our looks and about our happiness.  We always tend to put our children first as it should be, BUT we have to find a balance to not allow "US" to drift away and forget who we are.

Ever since I became a single mom, I have felt that my emotions have been on a major roller coaster ride that has had some really bad turns.  The one attitude that I have had is that for every bad turn, I have learned a lesson and have become stronger and a better mother.  Life is tough as it is and when we go thru a divorce, some of us can feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared, major concern if we will be able to make it, lonely and so many other feelings that go thru our bodies.  I, for instance, at first felt guilty.  I felt horrible inside because I had asked for the divorce because I was unhappy and felt that I was married to someone who was a good man but I was missing something and did not know what it was.  I also knew in my heart that because "I" was unhappy that I would not be the mother that I wanted to be which is the mother I am today...Well, almost.  I still want to take a vacation with my girls some day...Lol.
  Several years ago, I basically lost my job in an industry that I was in for 18 years and gave my all to.  From that point on, I was depressed, stressed, gained a bunch of weight and recently even had back surgery.  Well needless to say, I have gained lots of unwanted weight.  From the stress, I have had hair loss and do not sleep much either.  It amazes me, as I once owned my own boutique that carried designer brand names, my own line of jewelry that I designed and did amazing.  I had designed a line of aprons where I produced 3 different runs because they kept selling out.  T-shirts and so much more.  I felt good.  I would dress up, watch my weight, had manicures and pedicures, would go to the gym and even tan.  I was so motivated.  I made a change in the Downtown where my boutique was located and had fun and LOVED my customers.  Some of them no longer were customers but became friends.
Years later, I find myself overweight, hair loss, etc... My creative drive had been lost and had no clue what to do.  Well, if I once had my own business and was successful at it then what would stop me now from starting a business again.  Not long ago, I began my own company called  I have been happy as I have been blessed to decorate homes, design and build TV sets, design and build props and build furniture for clients.  Yet I still am not completely happy with myself physically.  Why?  Because I have allowed to let go of MYSELF in order to maintain my home and always think of my children first.

Well, now it is time for PLAN B in my life.  I have done well as a mother and will continue to put my children first but I also need to try to set an example for my girls.  I want my girls to be strong and independent women who know they are AMAZING WOMEN with self confidence.  

*  So one must MAKE A PLAN and try to make small changes on a DAY TO DAY basis.  

*  Think of what has YOU feeling down.  What changes YOU would like to make.  What makes YOU happy and begin to do them little by little.

*  SCHEDULE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF.  Write it on your calendar as if you had a doctors appointment for your children.  

*  If you cannot afford it, then PAMPER YOURSELF by doing things as simple as being sure to put lotion on that has a wonderful smell, at night before going to bed, that will bring you some peace.  

*  Be sure to make an appointment, even if it is once a month, for a manicure, pedicure, massage or even all 3.

*  Sit outside on a nice day & READ a book if that is what you like to do or have a glass of wine or whatever makes YOU feel good.

At the end of the day, just try to find what makes YOU happy & devote some time to yourself because if we continue to let ourselves be lost then what kind of example are we showing our children for one day they too will be adults with the possibility of having there own family.  And WE as the GREAT MOTHERS THAT WE ARE, DO NOT WANT THEM TO FORGET ABOUT THEMSELVES TOO.


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Getting along with your ex's new wife...

When having children with your ex, many do not realize how important it is to get along.  I will not say that my 12 years of being divorced and being a single mom have been easy and that we have always gotten along, but we have finally reached a great part in our lives now where all is good for everyone involved. 

At the beginning of our divorce, I had allowed my ex to stay living with my girls and I for about 4 months.  It was a bit weird but I thought I was doing the right thing.  Funny, I know.  Then I made a choice that we had to move on and told him it could not continue.  Then the bad began....We had ups and downs with many different stories.  It always depends who you ask, what the story will be. There are also times when one side of the family might not like you at all.  BUT when children are involved, it is important to try.  It will take some sacrificing from one side or best if from both but it is well worth it at the end.  

So once you get thru the divorce and now comes someone new....It can be totally weird.  Sooo many emotions can come to life.  BUT once again, I remind you that the CHILDREN ARE WHAT IS IMPORTANT.  I have actually been blessed.  Some people think I am weird but I think differently, well at certain times...Lol.  See with my situation, I knew my ex husbands wife before he did and I always had liked her.  When I had my boutique, she worked at the store next to me.  Go figure...the world is so small.  My ex decided to tattoo his entire body basically after our divorce and met her.  They ended up dating and married and now have a precious little 3 year old girl.  It is an awesome feeling knowing and seeing how happy my girls are when they see there mom and dad getting along and there mom and step mother getting along...Oh and they LOVE how there little sister loves me too.  We actually have gone out to dinner several times together.  It is kinda funny cuz her and I even sometimes talk about how stubborn he can be.  My ex husband actually has been an angel sent to me, at certain times, now in my life.
At the end of the day, all that matters and what should matter is that your exs' partner/wife, etc... is good to your children.   That your children are treated right and with care and love.  Creating a positive and happy environment in such an odd situation can be difficult but IT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED.  One might have to be a bit stronger and smarter than the other but someone has to break the ice and be the smart one.  I am sure some of you are at the beginning stages of your divorce.  You will go thru certain phases.  Some will be sad, then anger then guilt.  Some may never get out of the anger stage and truthfully that is just horrible.  I can tell you this much, if you are in the anger stage, do what you must to let it go and move forward and try to make mends with your ex. You might think it is fine with your children but they are far from stupid.  They can sense things.  We think they are clueless but we are wrong.  I see my girls how happy they are now and it is awesome.  As a mom who has been thru a lot, it is all worth it.   

Some women live angry.  Some will allow the anger to run there life.  Some will not realize that living with such anger inside only is hurting them.  When a divorce happens, there are always 2 sides to every story and each one has some type of blame.  It is just about who is big enough and who truly can be true to themselves and realize where they went wrong and to try to better themselves with the next relationship.  Then again there are some that will never learn.  I, for one, have and will always continue to want to learn and better myself as an individual, woman and more than anything a mother. I want to be happy in my life and not allow anger to take over my life.  Many can feel that Divorce can suck, but what sucks more is being in an unhappy marriage and losing yourself as an individual because you are staying with your spouse for the wrong reasons.  If you are not in love with the person and the environment only continues to get worse, sometimes it is better for everyone to part your ways and try to have a positive future for the sake of your children and for yourself.  The hardest part is realizing and having to deal with the truth. 

So if you have children and hate your ex.  Try to overcome it and make it better for everyone.  I am totally aware that not everyone will accomplish this but think to yourself and be true to yourself and ask yourself if YOU are the one that can make the change for the better of everyone and put your pride aside.  But like I said, I know NOT EVERYONE WILL UNFORTUNATELY BE ABLE.  

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Getting along with your X...

Going thru a divorce is something that I would not wish upon anyone ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved.  Each party goes thru so many different emotions and stages.  At first some go thru the crying, shock stage then you can go into the anger stage and after that it truly depends on how much more one wants to either suffer or be happy in life.

I have been divorced for 12 years now.  It has been a roller coaster ride for many years.  THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED MY BEST IS PUTTING MY GIRLS HEARTS FIRST then after my happiness.

When I went thru my divorce, it was horrible.  I was the one who made the decision to break up the family.  I had been with my husband for several years.  It was a love at first sight type of relationship.  We had met and went nuts over each other and 2 months after dating got engaged and 10 months after married.  3 years later we had our first born then 10 1/2 months after she was born we had our second daughter.  They were both a blessing.  Problem was that I should have taken the time to know him better.  After being together for quite some time, I realized I was not happy and not truly in love with him.  I mentioned about going to marriage counseling but he thought that was a waste of money because he tried it in his first marriage and it did not help.  So needless to say, he did not care to with our marriage.  Long story short, I made a choice to ask for a divorce because I am not the type of woman to be with someone for the sake of the kids, to be with a man because he makes good money and can give me a nice life, nice house, nice car and gifts and do not believe it is healthy for the kids to see parents fight a lot or just miserable.  I am a firm believer that if YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE WITH, THEN YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF OR AS A MOTHER TO YOUR CHILDREN.  I am speaking from my experience and what I have seen.

In the 12 years, I tried for things to be good between my X and I.  I had him live with me for 3 to 4 months after we signed the divorce papers.  I can tell you that was a bit uncomfortable and once I asked him to leave, he became angry at me, of course.  Time passed and stories passed.  I knew he was making good money and would get angry but I decided to take him back to court to ask for more help.  When we went thru our divorce, I chose to not get alimony, as I would have been able to, and I chose to not take half of his savings and so on.  All I wanted was help with my girls and a good relationship with him as long as he was a good father.  Well that did not go well and I decided after lots of back and forths and wasted money on the lawyer to leave things as they were.  it was an action that I took from a reaction that he made and chose not to discuss it with me but it would involve my children's feelings lots.  I learned after that not to react out of anger and try to talk to him.

During all of these years and many ups and downs with my ex, I have always kept things away from my girls and chose to suffer alone, I would or have never spoken bad or name called there father to them either or have tried to keep them away from him and that is one of the best choices that I have made.

As I can keep on writing about all of this, my point is that IT IS UP TO US TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR EX FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN AND THERE MENTAL STATE, THE SAFETY OF THERE HEARTS AND TO TEACH THEM IN LIFE ONE HAS TO PICK THERE BATTLES.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying it is easy but it can be done and IT TAKES BOTH PARTIES MAINLY but if one party is smarter than the other it can be accomplished.  

As parents, we should put the happiness of our children first and with that thought process we must try our best to do what is best for them.  Meaning, if things are horrible at home, think of what good or bad that can be for them.  If one makes the choice to get a divorce, try your best to not make it hell for them because as it is hell either will exist thru a divorce or in a home that is full of anger and arguments.   If we are happy and we make the environment happy then the outcome of the surroundings is happiness and that is all that we would want for our children.  If one parent stays a jerk, then be sure that you are the parent that is not and will always put there feelings and happiness first.  We suck it up when the other dates or remarries, we suck it up if the other goes thru some midlife crisis and we just suck it up as much as we can BUT ALWAYS PUT OUR KIDS FIRST.  Then we try LOTS OF MEDITATION, HAPPY & POSITIVE QUOTES, POSITIVE SURROUNDINGS AND MOVE FORWARD.  
I hope I have not lost you in reading so much on this article, but it is such an important subject to me that I can go on and on about it as not only have I lived thru lots but continue to see so much and I just wish it could be different.  If I can make a difference for the best in someones life and a life of a child, then I will continue to write about it.  What matters is to be happy in life because we only have one to live.  And at the end of the day, a child only has one mother who brought them into this world and needs to try to be the best she can be for them and protect them always.