Saturday, October 1, 2016

Getting along with your X...



Going thru a divorce is something that I would not wish upon anyone ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved.  Each party goes thru so many different emotions and stages.  At first some go thru the crying, shock stage then you can go into the anger stage and after that it truly depends on how much more one wants to either suffer or be happy in life.

I have been divorced for 12 years now.  It has been a roller coaster ride for many years.  THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED MY BEST IS PUTTING MY GIRLS HEARTS FIRST then after my happiness.

When I went thru my divorce, it was horrible.  I was the one who made the decision to break up the family.  I had been with my husband for several years.  It was a love at first sight type of relationship.  We had met and went nuts over each other and 2 months after dating got engaged and 10 months after married.  3 years later we had our first born then 10 1/2 months after she was born we had our second daughter.  They were both a blessing.  Problem was that I should have taken the time to know him better.  After being together for quite some time, I realized I was not happy and not truly in love with him.  I mentioned about going to marriage counseling but he thought that was a waste of money because he tried it in his first marriage and it did not help.  So needless to say, he did not care to with our marriage.  Long story short, I made a choice to ask for a divorce because I am not the type of woman to be with someone for the sake of the kids, to be with a man because he makes good money and can give me a nice life, nice house, nice car and gifts and do not believe it is healthy for the kids to see parents fight a lot or just miserable.  I am a firm believer that if YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE WITH, THEN YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF OR AS A MOTHER TO YOUR CHILDREN.  I am speaking from my experience and what I have seen.

In the 12 years, I tried for things to be good between my X and I.  I had him live with me for 3 to 4 months after we signed the divorce papers.  I can tell you that was a bit uncomfortable and once I asked him to leave, he became angry at me, of course.  Time passed and stories passed.  I knew he was making good money and would get angry but I decided to take him back to court to ask for more help.  When we went thru our divorce, I chose to not get alimony, as I would have been able to, and I chose to not take half of his savings and so on.  All I wanted was help with my girls and a good relationship with him as long as he was a good father.  Well that did not go well and I decided after lots of back and forths and wasted money on the lawyer to leave things as they were.  it was an action that I took from a reaction that he made and chose not to discuss it with me but it would involve my children's feelings lots.  I learned after that not to react out of anger and try to talk to him.

During all of these years and many ups and downs with my ex, I have always kept things away from my girls and chose to suffer alone, I would or have never spoken bad or name called there father to them either or have tried to keep them away from him and that is one of the best choices that I have made.

As I can keep on writing about all of this, my point is that IT IS UP TO US TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR EX FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN AND THERE MENTAL STATE, THE SAFETY OF THERE HEARTS AND TO TEACH THEM IN LIFE ONE HAS TO PICK THERE BATTLES.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying it is easy but it can be done and IT TAKES BOTH PARTIES MAINLY but if one party is smarter than the other it can be accomplished.  

As parents, we should put the happiness of our children first and with that thought process we must try our best to do what is best for them.  Meaning, if things are horrible at home, think of what good or bad that can be for them.  If one makes the choice to get a divorce, try your best to not make it hell for them because as it is hell either will exist thru a divorce or in a home that is full of anger and arguments.   If we are happy and we make the environment happy then the outcome of the surroundings is happiness and that is all that we would want for our children.  If one parent stays a jerk, then be sure that you are the parent that is not and will always put there feelings and happiness first.  We suck it up when the other dates or remarries, we suck it up if the other goes thru some midlife crisis and we just suck it up as much as we can BUT ALWAYS PUT OUR KIDS FIRST.  Then we try LOTS OF MEDITATION, HAPPY & POSITIVE QUOTES, POSITIVE SURROUNDINGS AND MOVE FORWARD.  
I hope I have not lost you in reading so much on this article, but it is such an important subject to me that I can go on and on about it as not only have I lived thru lots but continue to see so much and I just wish it could be different.  If I can make a difference for the best in someones life and a life of a child, then I will continue to write about it.  What matters is to be happy in life because we only have one to live.  And at the end of the day, a child only has one mother who brought them into this world and needs to try to be the best she can be for them and protect them always.

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